The appointments
by Toblerone3
Summary: What if Kenpachi, Unohana, and Yachiru were sent to the human world to help out with the arrancar situation? what if Yachiru's elementary school teacher requested a parent teacher interview?it's the beginning of a full schedule. NO LONGER A ONE SHOT! Tobi
1. 1!

**Ok so this idea hit me while I was cleaning my room and I couldn't write it right away cause I was well cleaning my room and my sister was on writing her stories. Therefore I had to write this now. Enjoy!**

**-Tobi**

_**IMPORTANT NOTICE!!! **_

_**This story takes place as if Kenpachi and Unohana came with Yachiru to join the fight against the arrancars. Kenpachi and Unohana are a couple (YES I SUPPORT THIS PAIRING!) and have been given the orders to get jobs because there was no way in hell they would be able to pass off as Karakura high students. Yachiru is in the Karakura elementary school as a student. This is my story and we'll go by MY terms! Enjoy! –Tobi **_

This was utterly pointless and may even lead to boredom. But Unohana was having fun with her job but why couldn't he? Oh ya, she was doing what she loved to do and he would be doing what he loved to do had his so called warriors been actually strong. But the look on Kurosaki's face when he saw him there was absolutely priceless. Unohana had taken up the job as school nurse at Karakura elementary and he had taken up the task of teaching the pathetically useless and utterly weak students of Karakura high how to do simple, and when he said simple he meant _simple,_ drills. Such as running laps, doing jumping jacks, and worst of all dodge ball. But the eleventh division captain had managed to survive by giving these drills a Zaraki-taicho touch. Running laps has become running one hundred and fifty laps, jumping jacks have become grunge jumping jacks or at least that's what he calls them, the all around summary of them was the 'if-you-don't-do-at-east-twenty-jumping-jacks-in-one-minute-then-your-head-is-mine-bitch' jumping jacks, and as for dodge ball well his rules were ' if you cry then your out, if you complain your gone, if you get hit in the head your out, if you get hit anywhere else your still in, and if you send some one to the nurses office you get a cookie'. He thought his rules were at least making his stay the tiniest bit amusing mostly due to the fact that he was able to give people detention if they even looked at him funny.

But this was just bad. Last week they got a letter from Yachiru's teacher that requested a parent-teacher conference. Dear lord the closest thing to parents Yachiru had where himself and Unohana and you can't exactly see the resemblance. Since Kenpachi wasn't exactly the brightest bulb in the box Unohana had to tell him to just say we're her foster parents and Zaraki just nodded in agreement. He wondered what this was about, but Unohana said that she hadn't heard anything. '_Good,_' he thought '_that means she hasn't caused any medical injuries, I don't wanna get pegged for something that little brat did._'

As they entered the classroom Kenpachi scoffed at what he saw. There were so many bright and vibrant colors with inanimate objects with smiling faces on them. Some of them looked like they were supposed to be dancing. Zaraki almost shuddered. Then he looked at some familiar pieces of art. Yachiru always had a thing for drawing herself swinging her zanpaktou around at a hallow in a field of flowers. No doubt he would mention that at this conference.

They sat in two chairs and waited for the teacher while Yachiru ran around the classroom showing him and Unohana her work, undoubtedly so she would give her a lollypop. The teacher walked in to find this scene and Zaraki took his time to see what this guy looked like. He had a crumpled brown suite with a red tie with little yellow diamonds on it. He wore black shoes that seemed to be a size too big and his hair was a comb over and was a poor attempt to hide his obvious baldness. His hair was white and when he saw Kenpachi he looked nervous beyond belief and when he saw Unohana he looked confused beyond belief.

He took a seat at his desk and began his requested conference.

" Um, so who might you be?" asked the lanky man directing his question toward Zaraki.

" I'm Yachiru's foster dad." Said the towering man.

" And may I ask why nurse Unohana is here?" he asked again.

" Oh, I'm Yachiru's foster mom." She replied cheerfully, seeming completely unaware of Yachiru's constant pleas for candy as the teacher dawned the look of total shock. Obviously it would have been very odd trying to comprehend an elementary school nurse with a rather frightening looking man.

" So you wasted my time calling us here because…" said Kenpachi quite bored and slightly annoyed by the look that teacher just made.

" Oh, well, Yachiru is a nice young girl but she seems to be amused in the strangest ways which are upsetting for the other children." He explained.

" Ya so?" Kenpachi asked not quite seeing a problem.

" She's been giving the other children nick names that are upsetting them. Like young Kashimu and Arkiri." He clarified.

" Oh, he means beaver-chan and spotty-chan, I think… do you mean the boy with the big teeth and the girl that has all those dots on her face?" Yachiru suddenly jumped in " they got all sad when I gave them nick names! I wonder why, but it was funny and they cried when I started laughing!"

" Do you see what I mean?" he said.

" Uh, no if those kids are too wimpy to take a verbal hit than maybe this school should teach 'em how to grow a fucking back bone." He said rather rudely "besides if they can't hold onto Yachiru's humor and see that she's just having some fun maybe they need some brains, wait isn't that what you're here for?"

" What Kenpachi is _trying _to say is that Yachiru isn't good with names so she gives people nick names based entirely on how they look and even then she sometimes forgets her nick names for them and gives them new ones. But the people she's usually around with she just short forms their names into nick names, like she dose with Kenpachi and I." Unohana chimed in.

" Ya I hang out with Ken-chan and Uno-chan a lot since I live with them and I like to ride on Ken-chan's left shoulder and don't you try to or I'll bite you!" she said protectively clasping onto Zaraki's left shoulder.

" Um, if you're her foster parents, why dose she give you nick names instead of calling you mom and dad?" he asked.

" Because we're not her mom and dad even though we've had her since she was a baby!" said Unohana " besides it wasn't even me who had her as a baby it was Kenpachi I only came along a few months and Yachiru warms up to people really easily."

" Well that might be the case and now that we have that solved we can move on to something else that seems to be rather disturbing. Her art happens to feature her battling in a very unique outfit in a field of flowers with a sword and chasing a masked creature with a hulking body that looks like it wants to eat her and she's smiling! Is there a cause for this?" the teacher asked.

" No not really she just enjoys seeing sadness and blood and fighting things like me. It makes her happy so just let it be." said Kenpachi quite calmly. He teacher just looked at him a moment raised his finger as if about to comment and then set it back down.

"Alrighty then moving on. Maybe you should spend some more time with Yachiru to study, her grades are slipping far, tell me, dose she have any mental deficiencies?" he asked and the next thing her knew, Unohana got up and ripped up a computer from the side of the classroom with amazing strength and whipped it across the room, hitting him square in the head.

" **How** **dare you say that about Yachiru! She's a smart girl with good intensions and a happy heart! Your tests mean nothing to me! She's never been taught anything in her life because there are no schools where we lived and our jobs didn't allow us to teach her! Hell, Kenpachi had to scrounge time to teach her how to kick ass! And you call your self a teacher! **_(Here she began stomping on him)_** I otta sue you, or better yet, kill you! Hide the evidence you heartless bastard!**"

Kenpachi and Yachiru just watched this in utter shock.

" This is the coolest thing I've ever seen." Kenpachi whispered to Yachiru.

"GO UNO-CHAN!" shouted Yachiru.

" I think we're done here, Kenpachi and Yachiru, lets go." Unohana said harshly.

They got up without objection and silently walked out the door. Until…

" Uno-chan can I please have a lollypop?" asked Yachiru.

" Of course, Yachiru, why didn't you ask me before?" said the woman, handing her a big and multi-colored lollypop.

" Yay!" she shouted and the rest of the day went pretty much the same but Kenpachi would now look at Unohana in a different light. A more respected light. Anyone who kicked ass like that _and_ healed like a freaking god has to get respect in his book, especially if that person could manage Yachiru aswell. You had to be a god to do that.

**Well how was that? I thought it was pretty cute. But tell me what you think! R & R!**

**-Tobi**


	2. 2!

**Immediately I shall thank the idea of this chapter to one Mr. J Everyday, **_**DOMO!!**_** In any case let the chapter… BEGIN!**

**-Tobi**

"So yet another appointment, ne? Yachiru it's like your doing this to me on purpose, but all right, I'll bite, but only because I want to see if Uno-chan will kick some ass again. That was just about the coolest thing ever." Said Zaraki rubbing his chin and smiling at the thought.

" Yep, I wonder who we're going to go to, I'm in a weirdy body and they'll find out if I go! But they'll keep sending Uno-chan letters if I don't and she can't because she ain't got her stuffs here."  
Said Yachiru matter-of-factly.

"Ya, shame. This is actually going to take some of _my_ time. Time that could be very well used fighting Ikkaku or Yumi." Kenpachi pondered this thought as well only with a deep frown.

" Ah, don't worry, she probably has a cold or something." Said Unohana, taking the letter from him and reading it " yep probably just a cold. As if on cue Yachiru went into a sneezing and coughing fit, which seemed very painful after which they only received a small "Ow."

Unohana and Kenpachi looked at each other a moment and then both said "Isshin."

Yachiru looked at them and then said " Who?"

" Just get on my shoulder, kid." Implied Zaraki and Yachiru obeyed.

**--------------------------------------------At the Kurosaki clinic ------------------------------------------------------**

" So what's up little one? What's going on what's happening, ya throwing-up, ya seeing things that you shouldn't, like dancing cows, or pandas trying to strike up a conversation, how about sneezing or coughing, dose your head hurt, dose your fore head feel warm to other people?" Isshin said to the small pink haired shinigami.

" No, some times, some times, yes, yes, yes, yes." Yachiru said as suddenly the door opened revealing Ichigo who looked at the scene before him and just walked back out without a word.

" Hey! Wasn't that Ichi? Ya! It was! How do you know Ichi? He's Ken-chan's friend, he made him really happy that one time! I've got an idea how about they pl-" Yachiru was cut off by a violent coughing fit which once again ended with a quiet " ow."

Isshin laughed while taking her temperature " Ichigo is my son. He probably knows you from soul society, while he went to rescue Rukia-chan. She's currently residing here. Yep. Very polite girl but wears a fake mask around me and every one who she thinks doesn't know she's a shinigami. She and Ichigo are really close. I think I might throw a box of condoms at him some time. No! Even better! Put it in his lunch bag, when he's going to school! Brilliant!" he laughed again and Yachiru laughed too.

" You're funny! I think I'll call you Clowny-chan!" she said laughing then sneezing three times and wiping her nose on her sleeve.

When her temperature came up it showed a number of 103.

" Well, Yachiru, you've managed to get your self a temperature of one hundred and eleven. Tsk, tsk. Now lets give you some medicine for that nasty cough of yours." Isshin said rummaging through his cupboards.

" Ah ha!" he declared pulling out a bottle of something that looked purple " here you go this will do just fine!"

He handed the bottle to Unohana telling her to give her some every nine hours every day until her cough subsides.

" I know how to handle these types of things, Kurosaki, I'm the fourth division captain you know." She smiled " the last person that thought I was brainless is no longer able to father children." She said smiling coldly.

" Uh, sorry, I meant nothing by it, I swear!" the doctor said taking steps back from the woman.

" I'm sure you didn't. The last man didn't either, at least not after wards." She said.

" Yes, yes, we all know how Maki-maki got a swift kick in the family jewels by you when he said that the fourth division should be removed, not that he could get a girl in the first place without them being drunk and blind. Didn't he need to get one removed?" Commented Zaraki.

" Ya, he did! I should call him lonely-chan when we get back home!" said Yachiru.

Isshin laughed nervously. These people were nuts. But they were from soul society. Any one from soul society had something nuts about them. No one comes back from there unscathed. Look at him! He's been labeled insane by almost every one, every one except the government. He would **not **that path again.

" This will lower her fever aswell." He said handing yet another bottle to Unohana "She should stay away from school a while and get plenty of rest. That's all I can do, so here's a lollypop for the princess," handing said candy over to Yachiru who immediately stuffed it in her mouth " and the rest is up to you, and don't worry, I totally trust you!" he said and they handed him forty yen and left " I'm a little afraid not to."

----------------------------------------------------The next day------------------------------------------------------------

Kurosaki Ichigo was relieved it was lunch. He had had three tests that day and a hollow and was at this point, starving. He opened his lunch bag and suddenly frowned deeply. Within his lunch bag was no sand which or salad, not even a juice. It was none other than a box of orange flavored condoms with a post it note saying '_yo, Ichigo! Good luck with Rukia-chan! – Dad'. _Oh yes, his dad was going to get a swift kick in multiple places today. Ichigo sighed. He was going to starve today.

**So another thanks to Mr. J Everyday! This was great (I think.) Send me an idea in the form of a private message, so know one will know what the chapter is about… If I choose your idea your name shall be posted in recognition at the top and bottom! Woo!**

**-Tobi**


	3. 3!

**This one I came up with on my own. There for the mentioned idea was brought to you by ME! Enjoy!**

**-Tobi**

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" Dinner!" called Unohana from the kitchen carrying a platter of roast, a bowl of whipped garlic potatoes, and balancing expertly a bowl of corn on her head. Putting the food on table she almost laughed at the fact they used shun-po to get to the table.

" **Food, woman! We need sustenance!**" screamed Kenpachi.

" Ya! Food is tasty!" agreed Yachiru.

Unohana laughed, " Alright, alright, dig in." She said and almost regretted it when she saw them break her plates, bend her silver ware, and pick up the food containers, not bothering to use and utensils, but as soon as Yachiru took a bite of her roast she screamed out in pain.

" Yachiru, what happened?!" asked a worried Unohana.

"My tooth! It hurts!" she cried clutching the side of her mouth as if to emphasize the point.

" You probably have a cavity from eating so much candy! Oh, I knew I shouldn't have given you so many lollypops, and Ukitate, he's always giving every one young candy, and Byakuya always gives you candy to make you shut up, oh and Isshin gave you that lollypop that time we took you to the doctors, for your cold! Oh, I'm a terrible person." Cried Unohana as she fell to the floor sobbing uncontrollably.

Zaraki tried to contemplate why his girlfriend was crying, then came up with the only logical reason. She was on her period, and as if to further prove his point she suddenly switched moods. Unohana slammed her fist onto the table sat up and started yelling.

" Yachiru, You were the one _asking_ for candy, it's your own fault for getting a tooth ache! No, wait…" she said as Zaraki thought _' oh no, she's going to release hell upon me! God, please let me see the light of day again!'_

" It was **_you_**, Kenpachi, **_you _**were always with her when she was asking, maybe **_you_** should pay more attention to the girl, **_why_** didn't **_you_** stop anyone from giving her too much candy? This is **_your _**fault, **_not_** mine!" she screeched and then came down again.

" Oh, I really shouldn't be blaming anyone! Shame on me, blaming a small child and a nice man! These things happen all the time! Now, Yachiru, you can only eat the soft foods, and no dessert tonight, I'll call the dentist after dinner!" she said cheerily.

Yachiru and Kenpachi didn't say anything at all during dinner, but they ate at lightning speed as to not further disturb the unpredictable volcano Unohana. Once they were done Unohana tried to dish out the dessert to Kenpachi and herself but both himself and Yachiru dashed out of the dining room by the time she came back with two bowls of pudding.

" Why does every one keep leaving me?" she asked herself dropping the bowls and sobbing on the floor again.

**--------------------------------------------------The next day--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

" Yachiru, Kenpachi, let's go! I don't have all day!" yelled a exasperated Unohana calling up the stairs.

"Ya, Ya, we're coming!" called back Zaraki with Yachiru riding on his shoulder, or at this point, _her_ shoulder.

" Good, we have to be there by 11:00 so hurry up!" she said.

" Uh, Retsu, it's 10:30 and the dentist is just down the street so…"

" **_QUIET!_**" shouted Unohana, cutting Kenpachi off " we'll go when I say we go! And we'll go now."

No objections were made. They were too frightened she might explode.

" Good." She said regaining her composure and walking out the door with them quickly following.

--------------------------------------------------At the dentist's------------------------------------------------------------------------

" Well, well, well, looks like some one has a cavity, have you been eating too many sweets?" asked the dentist who's name was Dr. Hakaru.

" **_I _**could have told you that!" shouted Unohana " we came here because we need you to fill it! I'm a doctor I know tons of things about medical problems! I could have easily filled if I had my equipment here so just fill it and do what you're paid to do, danmit!"

Hakaru inched over to Kenpachi " Dude, your wife is scary." He said and Zaraki nodded without informing him she wasn't his wife.

" **I said do your danm job before I rip out your eyes! Is that hard to comprehend you moron!**" she shouted.

Hakaru ran over to Yachiru, whipped her around in the chair, and did the filling as quickly as possible. Yachiru didn't dare moan in pain; it would probably set her Uno-chan off. Once the filling was done Unohana seemed back in good spirits.

" Now, was that so hard? I'm sorry for being so harsh earlier; I've been very irritable lately. Kenpachi, pay the nice man, will you?" she said taking Yachiru's hand who was rubbing her cheek but then registered what was happening and began being frantic which surprisingly Unohana didn't seem to notice.

"**Help me! Don't leave me with Uno-chan when she's being crazy! KEN-CHAAAAAAAANNNNN!**"called Yachiru while waving insanely with the hand she wasn't being dragged by.

" **Don't worry, Yachiru, just stay still and don't talk and you won't get hurt!**" called Hakaru.

Zaraki turned to him " Dude she's not usually like this, I swear, she's just PMSing, by the way, names Zaraki Kenpachi." He said and held out his hand.

" Hakaru Yikego" Hakaru said " what's your wife's name anyway?"

" The crazy woman's name is Unohana Retsu, and she's not my wife, just my girl friend, and the little girl she was dragging was Kusajishi Yachiru, our unofficial foster daughter."

" Oh, I see. Well, maybe I'll see you around some time, Kenpachi-san. But for now I have another little girl waiting for a check up, hopefully with a mom that's less hostile. Good-bye!" said Hakaru as Kenpachi handed him the money.

They both stepped outside.

"Here you go, Yachiru, have some gum!" said Hakaru handing the small girl a package of gum.

"Yay! Candy!" she shouted. Unohana once again paid no attention to this, and neither did Kenpachi, but as soon as they went outside Yachiru started gagging and spit the gum out on the floor.

"EW! SUGAR FREE!" she shouted and Unohana laughed.

-----------------------------------------------Because it was requested-----------------------------------------------------------------

Keigo walked up to Ichigo with a smile on his face.

"Hey, what's up Ichigo? Whatcha got for lunch today?" He shouted and Ichigo tried to get the bag away from Keigo's reach but he got there first. " NANI!" the boy shouted as he pulled out the box of condoms waving it around the room for every one to see " why would you have these, Ichigo, are you sleeping with Kuchiki-san?" he said unaware he was shouting. Ichigo almost died right there as every one started laughing.

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**Well there you go! KittiKat626 requested that last part!**

**-Tobi**


	4. 4!

**Eh, my sister helped me with the idea of this one. I personally don't like her stories, cause in my opinion, the teen titans suck, but if you want to check her out be my guest, her penname's Vianna.**

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" So, the bill for the house is 3000 yen and soul society hasn't given us any money yet. Our salary is 100 yen short of what we need and we still need to buy food with that. I've made the call to the Seireitei about the situation three times and they have promised to send the money ASAP but usually ASAP in soul society is right away, regardless of anything. Where are they, the first call I made was last night, for god's sake!" listed Unohana who was listing off every detail of the money jam they were in.

" Che, who cares? If they come to the house I'll just beat them until they leave us alone." Said Kenpachi as if it were the simplest question in the world.

" **Kenpachi, **they don't _come _to the house to get the over due tax like they do in soul society. They cut off the resource we aren't paying for until we **_do_** pay them, baka! And why is violence **always** your answer to anything? Don't you have any other solution to problems other than beating them senseless?" she cried.

" There ain't no other way to do things without them coming back! They won't come back if they're afraid of you! **You're** the idiot!" he shouted and immediately realized what he had just said was a **big** mistake.

" **How. Dare. You. You dare call your self a captain when all you know in life is how to beat something up? You have _no _strategy and _no_ cares! All you care about is battling and hurting; get some brain cells before you slaughter every one in soul society! You've injured more of my division alone than I can count! Do you even care about your division anymore? Do you even care about Yachiru anymore? **_Do you even care about me anymore?_" she asked saying the last part practically in a whisper. She went up to their room before Kenpachi had time to stop her and he heard the door slam and quiet sobs from up the stairs. He ran his fingers through his hair, which had to be kept down and in a ponytail this entire time or else it would have been considered '_weird_'. He thought as he did this _' I really fucked up this time.'_

But everyone was unaware of the small pink haired girl who had witnessedthe entire thing. This had been happening often and her Ken-chan and Uno-chan had been getting unhappier. Yachiru didn't want the only people she had known even relatively as parents split up over stupid things like money. She had seen how happy Uno-chan was when Ken-chan was nice to her as he rarely was. She had seen how happy her Ken-chan was when Uno-chan was even simply around. Happier than he ever was even playing with Ichi! She had to do something and she had to do it ASAP, and ASAP in soul society was right away, regardless of anything. Yachiru sees a lot of things happen from the crack in the wall under the stairs and she didn't want to see something like that ever again.

She crawled out from underneath the stairs and made sure Kenpachi couldn't see her and dragged the phone book back with her to her stair hide away then began searching the pages. Kenpachi went for a walk a few minutes ago and she was pretty sure Retsu was sleeping. When she came to a certain page she suddenly burst out laughing. Apparently the little Caesars mascot was the most hilarious thing she'd seen all day. Underneath that she found what she was looking for and her smile widened.

---------------------------------------------------The next day-------------------------------------------------------------------------

" **Uno-chan! Ken-chan! We gotta go!**" shouted Yachiru rather loudly. Unohana had made Kenpachi sleep in the guest room so when they both came out to see what was going on they looked at each other, Zaraki looked like he was about say something but before he had a chance Unohana had slammed the door again.

" Uno-chan open up you promised to take me where ever I wanted today! You said we could bring Ken-chan too!" cried Yachiru, knowing Unohana didn't remember small promises like that but always kept a promise.

" **Fine**, but only because I've never broken a promise in my life and I'm not going to brake it now because of Zaraki-san." She said, adding the Zaraki-san to emphasize her closeness to him, which had apparently furthered apart.

She waltzed out the door and took Yachiru's hand bringing her to the door. Yachiru turned around and looked at Kenpachi hopefully and he sighed and came with them but made sure to stay five paces away from Unohana as not to make her smite him.

" Where are we going, Yachiru?" asked Unohana with a smile.

" It's a surprise! For you and Ken-chan!" she said happily "so close your eyes real tight, you too, Ken-chan!" she said turning around.

When they closed their eyes to humor her she knew they would open them when she looked away, she wasn't as dumb as that teacher said. She had gone to Urahara's shop the other day to ask for something to keep their eyes shut and he complied by giving her two sets of sun glasses that looked normal enough but when put on they make your eyes freeze in the sequence they were in.

" I'm going to see if Ken-chan is alright he might walk into something!" she laughed and darted tward Kenpachi telling him to close his eyes tighter, once again to humor her he did. She slipped on the glasses and took his hand bringing them closer too Unohana.

" Zaraki-san, since when do you wear glasses?" she asked but was yelled at by Yachiru who was covering his mouth, now upon his shoulder. "Uno-chan! Close your eyes!" she shouted and the woman laughed shutting them tightly. Yachiru took her chance, swooped down like a monkey, and put the glasses on her.

" Yachiru! What did you do?" I can't open my eyes!" said the fourth division captain, slightly annoyed.

"Ah-ha! So you were going to open your eyes! You too, Ken-chan! Mou!" said the girl who linked Zaraki and Unohana's hands together and jumping onto Kenpachi's left shoulder " Now I tell Uno-chan which way to go and she leads us there! Yay! What a fun game I made!"

Unohana growled under her breath and Zaraki looked frightened.

"Left!" said the girl and they turned left " right!"

"Left!"

"Left!"

"Right!"

"Left!"

"Stop!" the vice captain suddenly shouted and Retsu obeyed " We're here!"

She jumped off of Kenpachi's shoulder and took both of their hands leading them inside.

" Uno-chan and Ken-chan please!" said Yachiru to the secretary who looked confused and Yachiru slapped her forehead, she turned behind her where she had left the feuding couple in two chairs, glasses still on. She studied them a moment and shut her eyes tightly in concentration then a light bulb appeared from above her as she remembered.

"I mean, Zaraki Kenpachi and Unohana Retsu!" she said and the two heard this slightly surprised that she had actually remembered their names.

" Oh, here we are! Yes you may take your parents inside." Said the secretary and Yachiru beamed and rushed to grab her _'parents'_ hands leading them inside. She opened the door, pushed them in closed and locked the door, tore off their glasses, and sat down. The first thing the two of them saw was a man in a tidy brown suit that looked like he was in his early thirties. His tie was long and black and he wore well-suited brown shoes with normal black hair. He got up and offered his hand to them both.

" Hi, I'm Yuroshi Kusijo," Kusijo said "I'm here to help you through the things you need to discuss and give you the room you need to sort it out. After all, that's what couples therapy is about, right?"

---------------------------------------------------_To be continued-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_--------------------------------The awkward misadventures of Ichigo and friends---------------------------------------------------------------------_

**_PART THREE_**

What a hectic day it had been in the life of Kurosaki Ichigo. First he had a math test, a history pop quiz, a science test and a hollow. By the time it was lunch he had thought his day couldn't get any worse, oh how wrong he was. His dad thought it would be funny to slip a box of orange flavored condoms into his lunch and take his real lunch to have for himself instead. Keigo had to make it worse by shouting and waving it in the air with accusations of cough having relations with Rukia. The class thought this was hilarious and had to spend the rest of the day convincing people he wasn't _with_ Rukia. He had had his day of clouds and darkness and now he thought it was over, unfortunately everything he wanted today seemed to have the opposite effect.

"Ichigo what are these?" asked Rukia snapping him out of his thoughts. He turned to see her with the box of condoms that had apparently fallen out. He was frozen when he saw her and he couldn't speak. He wanted to grab them away but the thought was lost as she opened up the box and took one out, unwrapping it and popping it into her mouth. Her eyes widened.

"Yum! Orange!" she said with glee as he fell to the ground twitching slightly.

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**So that was chapter four! Yay, chapter four! Any ideas you may have don't, I repeat, DO NOT give them to me in form of review, I want it to be a surprise for all so PM me instead. If, IF, I choose your idea, you shall be informed! Thanks for the idea for 'the awkward misadventures of Ichigo and friends', KittiKat626, really appreciated!**

**-Tobi**


	5. 5!

**My brother and his stupid online game that he's playing on our TV stole my Internet. We get it back when it's my sister's turn; he gets it till 4:30 pm, not my turn, my sisters. So I got bored and thought '_Hey! Why not continue with the appointments to pass the time!_' so here we are. Enjoy!**

**-Tobi**

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Every thing was silent as the two sat in their seats, twitching ever so slightly. The silence was long and awkward until the man spoke up.

" Well, it seems you don't know. Um, well this, I suppose, was set up by your daughter who said she wanted to see her and I quote 'Ken-chan and Uno-chan all kissy again, that way it's easier to freak Baldy-chan when I tell him about it.' I'm guessing that's just her way of saying she wants her parents to be a couple again. Don't blame the child, I'm not sure about how she got you here without telling you but, oh well, she just wants you to be happy." Said Kusijo " let's get started by saying how you feel about the situation."

No one said a word; Kenpachi because he thought it was girly, and Unohana because she was sure _he _wouldn't listen. Seeing the problem Kusijo decided to not start out with the couple at all. He gets a lot of these types of dilemmas, but they are easily solved usually when the person who brought them told them how they felt about it. It made his job a whole lot easier with that said person being a six-year-old girl.

" Ok then, why don't we start off with Yachiru? Yachiru, how do you feel about the way your parents have been acting?" he asked.

" Yachiru doesn't know how we act! She's never around to see it happen!" Unohana stated.

" Yes I am!" said Yachiru " And you DO admit there's something bad happening!"

" NO! There is nothing wrong between us, **_He's_** just being a blood thirsty maniac who killed off most of my workers!" she said pointing at Kenpachi.

"I didn't kill them, I sent them to the emergency room!" Kenpachi said in his defense.

" I otta…" she said, starting to get out of her seat.

"WAIT! I thought I said it was Yachiru's turn to talk! She's apparently around when this happens, and if this continues it could have a negative effect on her!" Yelled Kusijo, who was attempting to calm the woman down.

" **Fine!**" she stated angrily sitting back down.

" Yachiru, any time you like." Said the therapist.

She nodded happily then took a deep breath looking serious, or as serious as a violent first grade girl could get.

" I see what happens because I have a secret space that I found and if you try to use I'll bite you. It has tunnels that go all around to house and has lots of cracks in it, so I can see anything I want at and time. I see what you do when you fight; Ken-chan made Uno-chan cry and Uno-chan made Ken-chan sleep uncomfy like. Uno-chan doesn't like it when Ken-chan fights people, but he doesn't do it just for fun, he does it for Uno-chan and me too! Ken-chan doesn't like it when Uno-chan lectures him, but Uno-chan doesn't do it just to talk to him, she does it to make sure that Ken-chan will have another option other than fighting, me too! Ken-chan doesn't like it when I use animal blood for ink on things to old-chan, and Uno-chan doesn't like it when I rip off butterfly wings and stick them on people's faces! Well, I don't like it when Uno-chan and Ken-chan fight! I've seen them together before they started fighting! Ken-chan is happier than he is fighting with Ichi! And when Ken-chan protects Uno-chan from Robo-weird-chan so he won't experiment on her, even though she doesn't need the help, she's really happy all day long and gives Ken-chan a big kissy and then I see and go take a picture and then I show it to baldy-chan who runs away screaming something about his eyes, and then he tells Gay-Chan who also freaks out screaming something about Uno-chan being too Beautiful for Ken-chan, who goes and tells Shy-chan who passes out! It's funny! But still they really, really like each other and I really want them to like each other again and I miss Uno-chan making Ken-chan his special pudding stuff with the caramel and the choco stuff and the vanilli, and she would take some of his and he would let her and I would eat Uno-chans and eat it in my room and then they would finish and have soap fights, I know because I watched them from my secret space cause I wanna see ken-chan happy, I like it when ken-chan's happy! I like it when Uno-chan is happy too! And they haven't been happy, and neither have I!" Said Yachiru who had started to cry.

Every one had a sad expression, even Kenpachi, the man of rock, Mr. Immortal; he had always had a soft spot for Yachiru.

" Come here, Yachiru, Uno-chan is very sorry for making you feel bad, and I'm willing to talk it out with Ken-chan, if he's willing to listen." She said holding out her arms to the girl who obliged and sat in her lap.

" Now it seems we've got a solid grasp on two out of three. How about you, Kenpachi?" asked Kusijo.

" Eh, fine." He sighed, " If it's affecting Yachiru enough to make her cry then we have to fix it. Yachiru almost never cries."

" Alright then, who would like to share next?" asked Kusijo who, to Kenpachi, was starting to sound a little too mushy to be straight but perished the thought.

" I'd like to express my feelings now." Said Unohana and Yuroshi nodded " Well, this kind of all started when you beat a man on the street for looking at you strangely. I told you there were better ways to solve this, by simply ignoring them, you agreed and proceeded to ignore me! That was not very kind of you Zaraki-san."

" Please stop calling me that, just Kenpachi is fine! We agreed to drop the formalities when we were only friends, way back in the day."

" Ya, sometimes I miss the days where we were simply friends and we didn't fight like this, but I miss the days where we were a couple and didn't fight like this more."

"Candy." Stated Yachiru, tugging on Unohana's dress, a craving for something sweet settling in.

" And you would come to my work place all the time trying to stop Yachiru from robbing me of all my candy and terrorizing my entire division. I was very grateful, especially since it was already under bullying by the division members of yours who keep beating on them for no reason."

" Candy."

" It's because they think they have no use and weak. They don't realize how important your division actually is! And if I ever hear that repeated and used against me I'm going to rip off the head of who ever told." Kenpachi lay simply.

"Candy!"

Unohana smiled a very Unohana type smile and said " After all these years of being with you, I have never once heard you say anything nice about my division, And that is why I have chosen to put aside my worries and our differences and come back with you by my side, and us as a couple. Yachiru you are very wise to have brought us here, and I'm sorry I made you so unhappy." Said she, turning to the child.

" Candy?" the girl asked hopefully.

Unohana laughed lightly " On the way home, Ulrike."

"What does that mean?" asked Yachiru.

" It's a nick name in German I picked up from one of my patients last year. It means adorable girl." She informed the tiny girl.

" Ya, hear that, Ken-chan? I'm an adorable girl! Uno-chan said so! Uno-chan is always right. Ya heard it right? Right? Right? Right? Right? Did ya, ken-chan?" shouted the girl as she began climbing all over Kenpachi " **did you hear her?**"

" Yes, I heard her, Yachiru!" he yelled back.

" Ok!" she said

Kusijo laughed quietly. Oh, how little did this man know? If only he had known he probably wouldn't have done what he did, but alas, the man did.

'_He stares at Unohana strangely_' Kenpachi thought ' _Wait! He shouldn't be staring at her at all! Wait is he staring at her suggestively? Son of a…!_'

All of a sudden Kenpachi got up and charged at the man slamming him hard against the wall so hard even Unohana winced at the sight. For lo! Kenpachi had guessed correctly! Yuroshi _was_ having unclean thoughts about his girlfriend and our violent hero made it clear that he was due for a steady beating, having already broken two ribs.

" **You bastard! You never stare at a lady in that way! Especially one as kind and kick ass as Unohana! If you ever do that kinda thing again, you won't survive the next beating I give you!**" he screeched.

Unohana stared, shocked at this news and then her face grew angrybut then immediately went to it's usual calm. She walked up to Kenpachi and said in a scarily sweet voice " Kenpachi, I don't think that this type of violence is prohibited in this type of situation." She told him " Let _me _handle him and you can follow my example."

Kenpachi looked confused as he set the man he was holding by the collar down. He backed away with the same confused look.

Unohana walked over to Kusijo with a cheery smile on her face and took a deep breath.

At that her entire demeanor changed from gentle, kind, and calm to deadly, furious, and down right Kenpachi-scary. She picked up the man, only to throw him down to the floor in what seemed to crush three bones. She kicked him repeatedly on the ground, most of which in the family jewels, picked him up again and threw him at a wall, picked him up and pinned him to the wall, he now bleeding in the nose, side of his mouth and had a purple swollen eye which was color coordinated with his purple swollen check and chin!

" **You little pervert, how dare you think such thoughts of me! I otta skin you and use it as a rug! If I had no self-control what so ever by now I would have torn off your arm, ripped out your eyes and choke you with them, while using your arm to impale you, take out your intestines and strangle you with them! And when you're an unrecognizable heap of gut and blood on the floor, I'd of taken what's left of you and put it in a jar, feeding it to whatever wolves want to eat your filthy entrails! And if I ever find out you think those kinds of thoughts again, I'll do just that you sick, twisted little freak!**" she looked over at Kenpachi and her maniacal aura changed back to Unohana's normal kind, calm, sweeter-than-honey self.

" Kenpachi, dear, I believe you had one or two things to say to this unruly man." She said.

" Uh, ya…"

All the while Yachiru just watched happily seeing her Ken-chan and Uno-chan were back to normal and sat there smiling widely, humming an off-key tune only she could know and moving to it's austere beat, turning to Unohana as she sat next to her, ignoring the screams of pain and howls of threats with dust and stars in the corner like it were the most average thing in the world.

" So," The pink girl said, " You think I'm adorable?"

---------------------------------_ The awkward misadventures of Ichigo and friends_---------------------------------------------------

**_PART FOUR_**

" Hitsugaya-taicho, how are things going in the Karakura district of the mortal world?" asked Yamamoto, from a holo-communicator (in which he could see things and hear things F.Y.I).

" Quite well, the arrancars don't seem to be striking after that first ambush, and officer Kuchiki's recovery is going along smoothly. I'm afraid I had Matsumoto-fukutaicho sent back to soul society, as you may have noticed, because she wouldn't leave me be about it. She said something about an important event coming up, though she didn't mention what it was." Reported the child prodigy.

Suddenly the eighth division captain jumped up at this.

" That reminds me, I know what it is and I'm so looking forward to it! It's the most important and memorable moment of the year! How could you all forget!" he shouted.

" Well, what is it?" asked Mayuri impatiently, and silently hoping it involved him cutting things open.

" It's, it's… SWIM SUIT SEASON!" he shouted with glee.

" You're totally joking me, right?" asked Hitsugaya with his hand on his head.

" What?" asked the lazy man, turning in the direction of the hologram " You should be sad, Hitsugaya-taicho, most boys your age would love this kind of thing, especially since Rangiku-san is your vice!"

" Well not me." He said blatantly.

They looked in the direction of him.

" Well then,' said the pink coated man " Hormones must have tried to come before growth spurt cause it must have gone right over you!"

Hitsugaya said a few colorful words under his breath but then heard something from the captain he hoped he never would.

" Every year Rangiku-san takes some one with her bathing suit shopping and makes them wear something skimpy and very skin showing! I hear she chose Hinamori-fukutaicho this year, bet you wanna see that, ne, Hitsugaya-taicho?"

Hitsugaya went silent then suddenly shouted at the top of his lungs…

" **_MATSUMOTO!!!!!!_**"

Over where Hinamori and Matsumoto were shopping, Matsumoto suddenly sneezed.

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**That awkward misadventure certainly was longer than the others but I've been itching to write that for a while. Any way I hope you enjoyed this one better than the last, I didn't think that last one was very funny. Again, any ideas you may have for future chapters, feel free to PM me. Applauses all around for those who have given me ideas so far, you guys are awesome, and so are you reviewers! R & R!**

**-Tobi**


	6. 6!

Just so you people know, I haven't ended this story; in fact I have an idea all ready and in need of typing. I just had another thing come up! Do not throw full or empty bottles of beer or anything for that matter at me for a delay in chapters. I, Tobi, publicly apologize for making you fine readers wait, for which I mentally kick myself. Do not fear, for lo! As I write this I fully intend to start the next chapter to the story you have angrily awaited the update for, but I bet this notice is pissing you off because it's not an actual chapter, do **NOT** send me any ideas to a sixth chapter because as previously mentioned, I have one for both the wild (if not disturbing) life of Kenpachi, Unohana, and Yachiru and the misadventures of Ichigo and friends. I intend to make up for my delay by making this chapter so freaking hilarious you shall do your million dollar happy dance twelve times (variable)! Await the chapter anxiously, and while you're waiting check out these other bleach stories or one shots!

_30 ways to drive Byakuya certifiably insane_

_30 ways to make Hitsugaya freeze you solid_

_30 ways to make the 11th division hunt you down_

_30 Ways to die a second time in Hueco Mondo_

_30 Ways to make the Urahara shop crew kill you_

_30 Ways to make Ichigo hack your head off_

_30 Ways to ensure death at the hands of Zaraki_

_30 Ways to drive Rukia Crazy_ **(what can I say? This chick is HILAIRIUS!)**

_A Story a Day Keeps the Arrancar Away!_

_A Story a Day Keeps the Hollows Away!_

_A Strange Understanding_

_Aloha, Kenpachi!_

_Bleach Overview_

_Concrete Angel_ **(this one is romance/ angst)**

_You Agreed To Do What Retsu?_

_The F Word_

So wait patiently dear readers, and I hope that these stories help you get over the deep hatred you may have developed of me for not updating sooner.

Dearest apologies

-Tobi


	7. 7!

**For a second or third time I deeply and truly apologize for not updating for so long. But here you go peoples! Enjoy my ultra apology chapter!**

**-Tobi**

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" Let's go, Let's go! I want to go _now_! I want to see what every one in my class was talking about! They were all excited about something they called a pa-par…?" said A very excited Yachiru, she had hear some kids in her class talking about a huge event to take place on Saturday for Summer solstice and wanted to see for herself what was so great.

" A parade, Ulrike, a parade!" said Unohana, using the pet name she'd given Yachiru only two weeks prior to today.

" Why do _I_ have to go? All those people staring and all the sugar she's going to have. Those clowns scare the Christ right outta me. They remind me of Mayuri." Said Kenpachi, coming down the stairs with a grim look on his face.

Yachiru had made him put his long hair back in a loose ponytail, but it was mostly Unohana that had made him, with that whole '_you have to look descent, not maniacal._' Speech. Other wise he had originally planned to go in a black shirt with torn bottom jeans. When Retsu had seen his choice she immediately took them and threw them out the window. Instead she had made him wear a red shirt, and not the 'cool' red, like blood or fire, the red she had picked was baring the edge of pink. And pink, as you may know, is bad for the image of a bloodthirsty warrior.

But all doubts were thrown out as he saw how, dare he say it, _cute_ Yachiru looked in a flowery pink sundress. All doubts that were then stabbed repeatedly as he saw how _gorgeous _Unohana looked in her slimming, rather _form fitting_, spaghetti strapped, mint green sundress. Unohana had chosen to put a sun flower head band in Yachiru's hair, which was simply adorable, but then seeing Unohana with her hair out always blew him away no matter how many times he'd see it. And a little sunflower clip Yachiru had insisted her Uno-chan wear.

" Kenpachi. Kenpachi! **Kenpachi!**" called Retsu trying to snap him out of his daze.

" Huh? Oh, right, leaving, now." He said unintelligently.

Unohana laughed as she picked up Yachiru and held her at her waist, motherly " Earth to Ken-chan! We gotta go! I wanna see a…?"

" Parade." Told Unohana to the tongue twisted Yachiru.

" Ya, that!" she said pointing a sad accusing finger at Kenpachi, signaling the initial urgency of seeing her first parade.

" Alright, fine, let the torture begin." Said Zaraki said bluntly, with a small smile behind his mask.

"Yay! Ken-chan's going to go!" shouted Yachiru, practically exploding with fruit-basket joy.

Unohana let out a polite and small laugh as they walked out the door.

----------------------------------------------At Karakura Park-------------------------------------------------------------------------

They could hardly hear them selves' think over the roar of the crowd, and the call of the hotdog merchants. The gift shoppers working over time and Yachiru was examining every color and every person available to her astonished view. All the while Kenpachi was struggling to keep Yachiru on his back, and away from the barking dogs, the pickpockets, and the man that was trying to buy his youngin' for ' The low, low price of just 1000 yen!'

By now Unohana had beaten him off with a broom and Zaraki was pondering whether or not to get a collar and leash for his kid.

" Uno-chan, what's that red thing on the string? It looks like something from a magic store! Can I have one, Uno-chan? Can I, can I please?" the pink child inquired, pointing at the wanted object.

" A balloon," said Retsu shooting a glance to Kenny, clearly stating _' please, pretty, pretty please?'_

The captain sighed and nodded.

" Come now, Yachiru and we shall get you a balloon!" said the black-haired woman.

" I wanna pink one!" Yachiru sang.

" Than let's get you a pink one, the parade will start in a matter of seconds!" Kenpachi watched as his girl friend and child walked to the balloon vender, thinking back on all the wonderful memories with the two most impor-.

" Hello, sir! Do, _you_ have a child that would like a balloon animal?"

" **JESUS CHRIST, IT'S MAYURI!"** yelled Kenpachi at the colorful person, pulling up a conveniently placed chair and beating the unfortunate clown into the nearby shop window, breaking the glass on impact.

" Oh, it's just a clown. Sorry their buddy thought you were some one else." He said plainly, putting down the now broken chair, and walking to where his companions were.

" Oh, hey the parade is starting." Said the famed healer, munching on some popcorn.

" 'Bout time." He said taking a handful out of her bag.

The parade started just as any would, flips and fire and bands, advertisements.

The banner for the '_hospital for millionaires__ alone_' foundation _mysteriously _caught fire _just_ as Unohana was putting away her book of matches' whistling innocently.

More than one stone was thrown at the '_pacifists of tomorrow_' club just as Kenpachi was cleaning off his hands from some kind of strange dust that seemed to look like chalk stone residue.

The hotdog stand was out of commission for not having any candy, that and it was very hard to sell hotdogs from a cart that was missing such minor parts like the doors, the heaters, umbrella and wheels, damage caused by one pink little girl who _really_ wanted some candy.

Other than that, the parade was pretty normal. But then again, _normal_ was never a common used word in the vocabulary of a shinigami.

" Oh no! Another '_soldiers should stay in the war zone_' banner has just inconveniently burst into flames! When will the madness stop?" said Unohana unenthusiastically and just dripping with sarcasm, as a matchbook was hardly noticeable in her purse.

" What a shame! Yet a fifth Boy Scout has gotten a rock to the head and fallen unconscious! How terrible." Said Kenpachi following her manner of speech.

" Oh, deary me! A baby's lollypop has mysteriously disappeared! I seem to have found a lollypop which identically matches the baby's, in my mouth! Well, I would _love_ to give that baby my lollypop, but I would give it germs!" cried Yachiru following their example.

They all giggled fiendishly and continued their ritual of fire, rock, candy, until the unthinkable happened.

A float of '_the lions club_' came by giving children candy. When Yachiru had a member come by to her at his side of the float, he handed her a piece of candy.

" There you go, little girl. Now don't you go getting a cavity on it! Those things are full of sugar!" he said in a very cracked and weak voice.

Now most people would have been very happy at the prospect of getting a piece of candy, but the trouble for Yachiru was that it was _a_ piece of candy. Just one. No more. Which as we all know would upset our cute little vice captain.

But as we had not expected, Yachiru's face was surprisingly calm. She looked blankly at the piece of candy. Just staring at it. As a wise man once said, or at least somebody did, the calm comes before the storm. And so it did. Suddenly Yachiru's features grew angry as she clenched her hand together so tightly, the candy was crushed into a fine dust and left in the wind as Yachiru leapt upon the stage and tackled the poor old man to the ground.

" **I WANT MORE CANDY!**" the girl screeched, clawing and strangling the man in the tasseled hat "** ONE IS AN INSULT YOU FREAKING HERMIT CHEAPSKATE! **(Here Yachiru had turned him 'round and began bashing his head off the stage floor, as the other old men and the crowd watched in horror and shock. _gasp_ ) **WHEN I WANT CANDY YOU GIVE ME A HANDFUL YOU CORPSE! ONE CANDY! _ONE CANDY_! COME ON! I WANT CANDY! GVE ME CANDY!**"

The scared old man pointed in the direction of a large basket filled to the brim with candy, which Yachiru walked off the stage with happily, now a quarter block from her guardians, but made a happy trip back to them, only having to kick three kids away from her prize.

" Next time we buy the leash." Said Kenpachi once his pink candy fanatic came back and began stuffing handfuls at a time into her mouth. Unohana looked over at her, than back to him and nodded simply.

-----------------------------------_The awkward misadventures of Ichigo and friends_-------------------------------------------------

_**PART FIVE**_

Matsumoto could be found in the strangest places, but by now, none were strange to the taicho of the tenth division. The first place he _always_ checked was the bar, to look for his missing vice captain, and that saved a lot of time usually, because she was normally there. Today was no different, except the fact that Hitsugaya had not been looking for Matsumoto when he went into the bar, because he knew she wouldn't be there, she would be at that accursed pool party she had prepared his long time friend Hinamori for, in probably the most revealing way possible. He smiled. Hitsugaya was not here for Matsumoto, Hitsugaya was here to make a delivery, and had to be back at Karakura before evening.

---------------------------------------------------The next day--------------------------------------------------------------------------

" **Whaaaaaa! Why what happened? How come? WHO? GIVE ME NAMES, MAN, NAMES!**" screamed Matsumoto.

" Hitsugaya-taicho of course. He said nothing should distract you from your work."

" **So he banned me from my precious sake! I thought it was just an accident when I found my shelves of it smashed like dominos! It was HIM!**" she ranted after seeing a sign that the bartender had held, that forbade him from giving sake to Matsumoto. A picture of her, clear as day, and what to do if he suspected some one to be her in disguise, or if some one was smuggling it for her.

At last the dawn of the tables turned as Matsumoto screamed aloud a word so loudly Hitsugaya smirked upon hearing it three miles away " **_TAICHIOOOOOO!_**"

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**Well, I hope you liked my apology chapter! Ideas are welcome through PM; so don't hesitate to pitch 'em! You will be contacted if yours is chosen! WOO! R & R!**

**-Tobi**


	8. 8!

**My sister, Vianna, brought inspiration for this story to you. If you like Raven/Robin teen titans fan fictions, go to her. I personally think that the teen titans, for the most part, are stupid, but if you like that kind of crap, go for it. **

**-Tobi**

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And so begins the epic horror that Kenpachi must deal with today, but there seems to be an epic horror every day so he's pretty used to such horrors. Any ways, today's horror was worse than any he had ever encountered. Worse than when he had to explain to Yamamoto as to why the reports from the 11th were written in blood and not ink. Worse than when he was forced to buy Unohana _feminine products_ because she was unable to. And far worse than when he found Yachiru covered in cake, paper, and mongoose feathers, hanging upside down from the ceiling fan, which just _happened_ to be on, giggling like an idiot. He still tried to erase the memory of her explaining what had happened, that was just the _highlight _of his day, but not to worry, Iba, Matsumoto, and Renji had all gotten their punishment.

This wasmore horrific than anything he had ever encountered and it all had to be on the day that they were to all gather at Urahara's and give reports to Yamamoto, which they would most likely be late for at this point seeing as it was already 8:14 and the meeting was at nine. By the looks of things, they wouldn't be leaving for quite some time. That's right folk, our old friend Zaraki Kenpachi was forced to go shopping to every shop in the mall that appealed to Yachiru and Unohana, and carry every bag they had. By now he had nine of Yachiru's bags in his left hand and seven of Unohana's in his right, a six year old girl on his left shoulder and a extreme shopaholic clinging to his right elbow smiling like a giddy school girl scanning expertly the stores for one that caught her eye, Yachiru doing the same.

All seemed under control until Yachiru spotted a store called _zellers_ and off they went.

"I want this and this and this and…oh, not that, but that ones good!" said Yachiru throwing dresses and pants, and shirts onto Kenpachi, while Unohana had waltzed over to the woman's department and came back with three dresses, two skirts, a pair of pajama's and two pairs of jeans. While Zaraki would not doubt that these would look _great_ on her, it was more for him to carry, so just as she was going to go to the jewelry table he suggested that they pay for this and go to the food court, after which they could drop all the stuff they had already acquired and go drop it off in Urahara's car. God the last thing he wanted was six more bags to add to his stress.

" Alright," she said now realizing how much stuff she and Yachiru had bought and forced onto him "Yachiru, do you want to grab something to eat with me? Kenpachi is gong to drop off all the stuff we got and meet us at the food court."

" Ok, Uno-chan! Let's go to the one that has the toys! Mc-something…" said Yachiru pondering half heartedly to figure out the name of the restaurant, at this Unohana laughed and they continued on, leaving Kenpachi smiling at Yachiru and her usual accidental cuteness.

'_Wait a minute_,' the man thought '_they left me to carry all the bags again!_'

" **GODDANMIT!**" he screamed.

" Zaraki-san?" a man said coming around the corner with a little girl that looked about Yachiru's age but had long brown hair, like the man holding her.

" Hakaru, nice to see you again. Who's that right there? Your daughter?" Kenpachi asked.

" Yep, she's in my custody seeing as her mom just got sent to prison. I'm transferring her to Karakura elementary. Yachiru go there? Your girl friend not crazy anymore?" he asked.

" Yachiru's at Karakura elementary, Retsu's the school nurse there, and like I told you before, periods are scary." Answered Kenpachi " And what's the girls name?"

" Ah, I see. My daughters name is Amari. Can I ask you something?" said Yikego leaning over " Are you here for the arrancar situation aswell?"

Zaraki was taken aback by the question " You're a shinigami, man? Dude, why didn't you say something before? And what's your rank?"

" Yes, I'm a shinigami. I'm the fourth seat on the first division, and my daughter's going to graduate from the academy in a matter of days. She's so strong, she's graduating sooner than anyone else has ever, I suspect she'll be the new vice captain to the third, cause Kira's such a wuss and can't control his division without his captain. I didn't say anything before mainly because I thought Unohana-taicho was gonna tear out my eyes, Zaraki-taicho."

" Whoa, I'll be ecstatic if Amari replaces Kira. I hate him so much for being so weak. You don't have to use my title, man, just call, me Kenpachi, but I'd prefer if you called Retsu Unohana. When we get back, feel free to swing around the 11th, I'll even invite you to poker night!"

" Sweet. You need help taking those bags to your car?"

" Thank you God!" he praised and handed about nine bags to him, forcing him to put his daughter down " hey, you wanna take the kid with you and join us for lunch? Yachiru's having the mickey d's experience as we speak."

" Can we, daddy, oh can we please?" Amari said, finally speaking aloud " I wanna have lunch with the scar-chan and the little girl I saw him with!"

" So, she is inta nick name too, eh? She and Yachiru will be best friends in no time."

" Is that so? Well I've only heard rumors of the nicknames she gives and her obsession with candy. This one too. So let's get going. How about we drop Amari off with your family and we'll go drop these off and join them. Whaddaya say?"

" Ya, that sounds good. She good with directions or is she like Yachiru and gets lost all the time?"

" She's got my sense of direction, being good. So Amari, can you make it to them and tell them what's up? Unohana has long black hair and it's…"

" In a braid at the back today."

" Ya, and Yachiru is the girl who looks and is your age and has bright pink hair, really can't miss it. They're in the food court."

" Okay daddy! See ya, scar-chan!" waved Amari happily as her long hair trailed behind her as she skipped along.

" Well then. These bags. Where to?" he asked.

Kenpachi sighed and said, "Follow me."

When the bags, all twenty of them, were safely in Urahara's car they left to the food court to see Amari and Yachiru playing with their hello-kitty dolls and Unohana watching them with smiling eyes, munching on a salad from kim moon.

"So, You were _afraid_ of me Mr. Fourth seat of the first division? I can't blame you though. I get more than a little irritable during that time of the month."

" Amari! Yu weren't supposed to tell her that part!" Hakaru hissed.

" But you said to tell Ana-chan and Chiru-chan what's up and I did!" she defended.

" Yay! Ami-chan and me are gonna be friends forever! When she's a vicey too we can play _all_ the time!" shouted Yachiru with glee.

" Ya!" agreed Amari.

" Ana-chan? Chiru-chan? I see you've made nicknames for our friends, haven't you, Amari? Well that's good." Said Hakaru and his longhaired daughter nodded just as his cell phone went off.

He answered it with a " Hello?" and waited with a few 'Hai's and closed it with a frown.

" I have to go back to the Seireitei on Monday for a mandatory count of the first divisioners Yamamoto holds this kind of thing every time we have a battle, But I can't bring Amari, what'll I do?" he said slightly stressed.

" Hey, I have an idea! Why don't Yachiru and Amari have a play date on Monday? It would be great for them and we wouldn't mind a bit! Right, Kenpachi?" suggested Unohana.

" Ya, I wouldn't care. Whaddaya say, Yikego? We watch your kid and you do your work?" nudged the normally carefree captain.

" Fine to me, how about you Amari?" Hakaru said kneeling down to his little girl.

" Ya! Chiru-chan and me are going to hang out all the time, right?" the small girl said turning to her friend who nodded vigorously.

"Hey! What happened to my chicken nugget! Daddy! You ate it!" Amari accused.

" Caught me!" he laughed, but the little girl wasn't laughing in fact she was staring angrily at her father who suddenly said "everybody run!" and they ducked for cover.

**BOOM!**

When the explosion of spiritual energy faded the little girl was crying, even after Hakaru apologized and gave her a sucker out of his jacket and finally said "Amari, what's wrong?"

" My hello-kitty exploded." she said with a pout.

-----------------------------_The awkward misadventures of Ichigo and friends_--------------------------------------

In the dead of evening, a man in a green and white hat crept slowly over to a large object sitting in the center of the beam of streetlight.

Silently, he flew over as agile as a dancer, like a freaking ninja, and felt the object, all that could be seen a green cloaked arm caressing a vehicle's hood. Taking out a silver key and placing it in the fitting place, he opened the car door and crawled into the back, a mysterious, dark creature following close behind sitting magnetically on the roof.

Inside the car the man was searching for an important item, on crucial to his and the creatures plans. On the floor of the car his hand searched all around until feeling a lump and then smiling widely. He poked his hat-covered head out the now open window and said to the creature looking back at him with sharp yellow eyes "I found another McDonalds toy! It's hello-kitty too! Did we break the record yet?" Asked Urahara.

The cat looked as if it was calculating something " Nope, at least one hundred more."

" Drat! We'll beat it some day Yourichi, I swear on the life of the Quincy!"

" But we don't really like the Quincy." Yourichi said.

" So if we don't beat the record no hard feelings!" he replied carelessly, and the dark cat rolled her eyes.

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**So, what do ya think? Am i getting better, worse, not improving but not decreasing in talent? What do ya think of the chapter in general? Any ideas are welcome for future chapters in form of PM, and only PM. R & R!**

**-Tobi **


	9. 9!

**IMPORTANT NOTICE: I need help! This is my next chapter for the appointments ' **_**BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK' **_**I desperately need ideas! THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER: the set up is the play date and I need to figure out what kind of havoc our dear children will cause… PM ME YOUR REQUESTS AND I'LL MOST LIKELY PUT IT IN!**

**THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!**

**-Tobi **


	10. 10! END!

**So here it is ladies and gents, after a sinfully painful wait it's here!!! That's right folks, I last updated on** **4-29-07** **and now I'm finishing off this story with this final chapter! And you thought there was never gonna be an ending!!! **

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS EXCEPT FOR AMI-CHAN AND HAKARU. KENPACHI, UNOHANA, YACHIRU, THE 11 DIVISION, KARAKURA TOWNS FOLK (such as Isshin and Ichigo, Urahara, ect.) AND KARAKURA ITSELF IS TITE KUBO'S. NOT MINE. **

**So any way, the final chapter…**

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BOOM!!

'Why…'

BAM!!

'Oh, why, God…'

"HAHAHA!! Ami-chan, you've got Ken-chan's hair stuff all over you!! Pass it here!!"

'Did I say yes to baby-sitting?' Thought an exhausted Kenpachi who had finally given up on trying to calm down Amari and Yachiru and had begun to sulk and wonder why he had agreed to baby sit in the first place. He was left alone on this because, unsurprisingly, his division had broken all sorts of things in Unohana's division and now she was stuck filling out replacement forms, due to be in by tomorrow, in their room. Now you think it would be easy, baby-sitting two six-year-old girls in a medium sized house. Great! But Kenpachi had failed to grasp one major point: Yachiru is an adorable pink tornado ready to pounce on the unsuspecting trailer park that was his life (and many others, depending on the situation). Now that he was in this mess, he was certain that he would be talking to Hakaru about the eleventh divisions day care system that his division would be running on every spare moment they possibly had, he, of course, would not be the one baby-sitting but his division baby-sat Yachiru all the time! They had caused Unohana to leave him stranded and now there would be hell to pay.

KA-BLAM!!!

"HAHA!! EVERYTHING IS COVERED IN TOOTH PASTE!! CHIRU-CHAN, LET'S GO PUT SOME IN KENNY'S UDERWEAR!!"

Oh, HELL no.

" YACHIRU, AMARI!!! HERE!! NOW!!"

" Yes, Ken-chan?" asked the quick paced pink blob that was also a variety of different colors. She was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ocher and peach ruby and olive and, well, every other color on Joseph's Technicolor dream coat. Half of these colors Zaraki didn't even know existed, but who the hell knew _fawn_ was a color? He didn't even want to know what got them to look like a rainbow threw up on them and then quickly began to wonder why the hell he didn't call them in the first place. When he finished mentally kicking himself, he noticed how they were gone the only thing that could be heard was the incessant giggling of the two girls who had rolls of toothpaste.

" THE TOOTHPASTE LOOKS FUNNY MIXED WITH KENNY'S SHAMPOO!!"

Uh oh.

"YA, AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER WE COULD STICK IN THE TOILET 'TILL NOW! ALL OF IT!!! HEY!! HOW COME IT WON'T GO DOWN? AHHH!!THERE'S WATER EVERYWHERE!!"

Uh oh.

"LET'S GO PLAY IN THE KITCHEN!! THERE'S SUGAR THERE!!"

Uh oh.

" LOOK AT HOW FAR THE FIRE CAN GO FROM THE STOVE!! LOOK AT ALL THE SMOKE!!"

'Uh oh' no longer covers the situation. Let's pause the scenario to list off the things the girls have done.

The fridge is now the proud home of Arctic penguin. Many of them.

The snakes swinging off of the ceiling fan are not amused.

The cupboards are now being torn apart by wombats.

The zoo's transportation truck driver was fending off about twelve chimps, six snapping turtles, and a polar bear in the dining room.

An angry David Suzuki, who had unsuccessfully tried to convince them to switch light bulbs to save the Earth, is smashing the light bulbs that they didn't switch.

There are three gaping holes in the living room walls.

They are dangerously low on sugar. BIG PROBLEM KNOWING YACHIRU.

The oven's a great place to store cold things seeing as they reversed its use some how.

The pillows are toast. Literally.

The stove is burning a hole through the kitchen ceiling.

The toilet is clogged and flooding the bathroom.

Kenpachi's out of Toilet paper.

Kenpachi's out of hair gel.

Kenpachi's out of toothpaste.

Kenpachi's out of shampoo.

Kenpachi's out of sanity.

"Huh…?" came a voice from above the stairs " What the hell happened here.

'_That,' _decided Kenpachi _'must be how angels sound.'_

" RETSUUUUU!!!!"

"UNO-CHAAAAN!!!!"

"HANA-CHAAAAN!!!!"

Retsu looked at the two children and at her house and the sighed.

"Bath."

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"BATHS ARE FOR WITCHES!!!" screamed Yachiru trying to force her self from being put into the soapy water.

"BALDY-CHAN SAYS THAT I'LL WASH DOWN THE DRAIN IF I GO IN!!" yelled Amari.

" Ikkaku is so getting first baby sitting duty for these two." Muttered Kenpachi to his girl friend and she nodded in agreement while trying to force the two in the tub as Kenpachi put the finishing touches on the toilet situation.

"Here." He said tickling Yachiru until she fell into tub giggling. Unohana got the idea and followed suit. Soon both girls were in the tub and under a binding spell courtesy of Unohana. Soon they were clean and, still being under the spell, thrown in Yachiru's room.

"We've got a lot of stuff to do." Said Unohana.

" Ya, there's a list." Zaraki said, pulling out a checklist for 1-16.

" Wow." She said looking it over " Well, let's start with number 4. That poor man in the dining room is probably almost dead.

"GET BACK FIENDS!!" shouted a voice from the dinning room.

" Good, he's alive." Retsu said calmly.

After freeing the Zoo truck driver, they proceeded to take care of #1-3 on the list.

Unohana took care of the snakes; let's take a look.

"REPTILE SCUM!!" screamed Unohana wrestling with one of the snakes "You'll never take me alive!!"

" Uno-chan?"

"YACHIRU!! RUN!! THIS SNAKE IS DEADLY!!"

"Uno-chan, just let go of snake-chan."

"Huh?" She said letting him go and just slithered into his wire cage.

" Oh." Unohana said, realizing she had just been rolling around with a snake and it was causing her no harm nor was trying to the entire time.

She took care of the rest of the snakes and headed to the kitchen to find Kenpachi huddled in a corner being beaten by penguins with blocks of cheese.

"Ow, _thump,_ ow, _thump_, ow,_ thump_, ow,_ thump_, ow,_ thump_, ow,_ thump_, ow,_ thump_, ow,_ thump_, ow,_ thump_, ow."

Unohana raised a finger as if about to say something until Kenpachi asked something completely unexpected.

" Why the hell don't we have penguin shinigami if they're so damn strong?"

The penguins were pulled off of a bruised Zaraki with ease except for one. This one shoved his block of cheese in Zaraki's mouth and left on his own account.

"amn you Arictic penguinsh. I wiw ot forgeh thish!!" He shouted, muffled by the cheese.

Yachiru never forgot the day Uno-chan finally agreed to play penguin soccer with her, but she will also never know why they used an icebox as the net.

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"I managed to fix the oven and was right in the middle of listening to dinner scream and burn when those satanic bird things ambushed me with their damn cheese! There was no time to react, the leader had hit me in the eye with his cheddar zanpaktou while the others tied my legs with those artificial cheese strings and about four or five began poking me with gouda and the rest were beating me with sticks of marble and mozzarella. It was horrible. I was grossly out numbered."

" Kenpachi, you were fighting penguins not Nazi soldiers." Unohana said cheerily.

"They might as well have been! And by the way, we're having wombat-kabobs for supper."

" Judging by the way things look, all we need to do is go shopping and we can fix everything! Let's see. We need Dry wall…Sugar…Light bulbs…Pillows…Toothpaste…Shampoo…Toilet paper… Anything else?" Unohana asked, holding her pen and paper.

"Ya, hair gel." Said Kenpachi.

"Ok! I'll go buy everything and you watch the kids!"

"Ya, ok, sure, and while you're at the store why don't you pick me up some sanity while you're at it, I'm out!" He shouted at the closed door Unohana had walked out of just moments earlier.

The captain turned around and sighed. Just as he thought, Amari and Yachiru were nowhere to be found.

"IF YOU SWITCH TO THESE LIGHT BULBS YOU CAN SAVE THE EARTH!!"

_SMASH_

"Stop breaking our light bulbs! I already save your pathetic Earth from things you didn't even know existed! Go away!"

Moments later Kenpachi heard the door slam and some one screech out of the driveway. Well, that takes care of number 5 on the list.

"Amaa-rii, Yachii-ruu. Olly-olly-oxen-free! Come out, Come out, where ever you are!"

"NO! You didn't even count to ten, Ken-chan!" He heard Yachiru shout.

"FINE! Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten! COME ON DOWN, I GIVE UP!"

"YOU COUNTED TOO FAST!" Yelled Amari.

"YA!" Yachiru agreed.

"One…two…three…four…"

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"I'm back!" Yelled Unohana, as she dragged in four shopping bags.

"Kenpachi? What are you doing?" She inquired, curios to the fact the hulking man was hiding poorly as a lamp.

"_Shhh. I'm hiding from Yachi-"_

"FOUND YOU KEN-CHAN!! MAN, YOU'RE REALLY GOOD! I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF LOOKING UNDER THAT LAMP SHADE! YOU LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE A LAMP! WOW! IF ONLY UNO-CHAN HADN'T GIVEN IT AWAY FOR YOU! TOO BAAD." Shouted Yachiru, purposely elongating the '_bad_'.

"Girls, there's a famous special Uno-chan lollipop in it for you if you help Ken-chan and I fix this place up." Bribed Retsu, switching the subject.

"YAY!" They shouted at once.

_Knock knock._

"That must be your daddy, Amari! Let's go greet him!" Unohana said taking off her Pocahontas wig and putting down the second arrow that was about to join the first in Kenpachi's left shoulder.

"Hi, Hakaru! How are you?" Unohana asked after letting him in.

"Good! I hope she wasn't too much trouble, was she?" the man asked.

"Oh not at all!"

"That's great! By the way, if you don't mind me asking, why your face is painted and you're dressed in beaver pelt?"

"We're playing 'Pocahontas kills the English swine who stole the chiefs head-dress', would you like a cup of tea perhaps?"

"Oh, don't trouble yourself. I've also been told to deliver this letter from soul society."

"Oh! Thank you!" Unohana said, in the midst of opening the letter.

She scanned it over and sighed. She walked into the living room where Yachiru and Amari, both in cute little Native-American garb, were trying there hardest to remove the arrow in Kenpachi's shoulder.

"Kenpachi, we have to go back to the soul society! Apparently," Unohana sighed, "our divisions are threatening to go on strike or start a division war unless we come back."

"Oh, that's it?" He said, taking out the arrow with ease and sending the girls tumbling.

"Kenpachi-san, you say that like you hear stuff like that every day." Commented Hakaru

"Huh? And you don't?" He answered flabbergasted.

Amari tugged on her father's coat.

"Daddy, I miss home, can we go back?" She asked.

"Yes, sweetie. As a matter of fact, why don't we all go back together?" Hakaru inquired.

"Ya sure." Came Kenpachi's answer.

"All right-y then! Let's pack up and head out!" Exclaimed Unohana.

"Uno-chan, Let's visit Ichi before we leave! We can finish up our game with him!" Yachiru suggested.

"A splendid idea, Yachiru!" Retsu said enthusiastically.

"Ok then, we'll meet up back here in an hour. I'll go inform Yamamoto sou-taicho of our plans!" finished Hakaru and clapped his hands.

"Bye-bye!" Amari waved and out the door they went.

--------------------------------_The Awkward Misadventures Of Ichigo And Friends_-----------------------------------------------

_**PART SIX, THE END.**_

Ichigo had had enough misery that week. In fact he had sworn that it couldn't get any worse. Word around the street was that Toushiro and his vice-captain, Matsumoto, weren't having the best of times either. He had hit the bottom of the pit, he decided. The only thing that could possibly bring him deeper would be a physical injur-_**SPLUT!!**_ And to add to the list, there was an arrow in his arm.

"_**SUN OF BI-**_." _**SPLUT!! SPLUT!! SPLUT!!**_

"_**I'M UNDER ATTACK!!**_"

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHH**" He heard two children scream. He saw them coming at him with spears. One had pink hair, the other had brown. Both were in Native- American out fits.

The last thing Ichigo heard was some kind of a Pocahontas wannabe screaming at the top of her lungs. His ears must have been deceiving him. He could of sworn he heard her shout "Give back the head-dress you English swine!!"

And in the distance he heard the sound of two men snickering behind a bush. His mind went blank as he ran from two children and a woman. Ichigo has yet to recover his pride.

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**So ya, I'm kinda thinking that I could do some more of those Awkward misadventures. They're really fun to write. Tell me you thoughts on this matter and your thoughts of the story/chapter. If I get enough reviews saying I should totally do a story of misadventures (there will not be any plot whatsoever, it will just be a collection of misadventures) I will! In other matters… I'm gonna say this once, so listen up.**

**Ahem,**

_**THERE WILL NOT BE A SEQUEL TO THIS STORY!! AT LEAST NOT ONE MADE BY ME.**_

**Love**

**-Tobi**


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